Hey y'all this one of the mocha cookies. Markell wanted you all to know she is well. Right now she is getting much needed rest and relaxing. Please respect her privacy. She loves you all and will be writing more about her health journey in the future.
Thanks,
Mocha cookie
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
This to Shall Pass
#TeamToughCookie it has been a long time since I've provided an update and that's because the last few months have been very difficult for me. It has taken me a few months to return to myself because I have been in a very dark place. With the news of a new diagnosis and the lost of some special people, I could not find myself in a place to share with you all what I've been going through.
Last month we found out that the cancer is now in a few of my bones. They did restage me, however as a believer, I will not accept the new staging as gospel. The Lord, my God is bigger than any diagnosis. My trust is in the good Lord for healing and restoration. I see this place in my life as a journey to healing that the Lord will bring to fruition.
I know many of you will have lots of questions and will be concerned. Know that I am in good spirit, I'm in a great head space, and physically I have more good days then bad.
Here is where we are physically, my first step is to focus on 2 small spots found on my spine. Those two spots have the potential to grow and impair my ability to walk. The only options I had were major surgery or radiation therapy. As opposed I am to radiation, it was the best option for this situation. I will have 5 radiation treatments over the next 2 weeks starting today.
As my journey continues, I will get back to keeping you guys in the loop. I know that the Lord has a plan for this journey. I still don't know what it's purpose, but I am grateful that in this place, I have a relationship with Him, which helps me to remember that He is in control and that He can do anything but fail. I stand on my favorite scripture, "In ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and have been called according to His purpose," (Romans 8:28)
I am going to continue to solicit your love, support, and prayers for me and my family. I love you guys!!!!
#atoughcookiechronicles
#healingisontheway
#thistoshallpass
Last month we found out that the cancer is now in a few of my bones. They did restage me, however as a believer, I will not accept the new staging as gospel. The Lord, my God is bigger than any diagnosis. My trust is in the good Lord for healing and restoration. I see this place in my life as a journey to healing that the Lord will bring to fruition.
I know many of you will have lots of questions and will be concerned. Know that I am in good spirit, I'm in a great head space, and physically I have more good days then bad.
Here is where we are physically, my first step is to focus on 2 small spots found on my spine. Those two spots have the potential to grow and impair my ability to walk. The only options I had were major surgery or radiation therapy. As opposed I am to radiation, it was the best option for this situation. I will have 5 radiation treatments over the next 2 weeks starting today.
As my journey continues, I will get back to keeping you guys in the loop. I know that the Lord has a plan for this journey. I still don't know what it's purpose, but I am grateful that in this place, I have a relationship with Him, which helps me to remember that He is in control and that He can do anything but fail. I stand on my favorite scripture, "In ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and have been called according to His purpose," (Romans 8:28)
I am going to continue to solicit your love, support, and prayers for me and my family. I love you guys!!!!
#atoughcookiechronicles
#healingisontheway
#thistoshallpass
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
A Tough Cookie
Well today's the last day of the year and I've had plenty of time to reflect. On December 31, 2013 while preparing for the entrance of the new year a preacher spoke the words, "Greater Things in 2014". Those words would become my motto for the new year. As the year started, greater things were happening. Then April happened. April 16, 2014, a Tough Cookie was born. This was the day I was diagnosed with Triple Negative breast cancer. I was told that I would only need 6 rounds of chemo, 1 round every 3 weeks. Then I'd have surgery and reconstruction. Well... That's not quite how it happened. Here's a recap.
April 3rd - Suspicious Cells Found
April 16th - Diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer ( A Tough Cookie is Born)
December 9th - A Second Surgery to Remove Cancer from my Chest Muscle
December 18th - At My Follow-up Appointment I Find Out that I'm not Cancer Free (I wrote on the board in my hospital room after surgery on December 9th that I was cancer free)
I took the cookie out of the bag and it was indeed a tough cookie. I had to apply pressure to break the cookie. That's what we experience daily, pressure! Life has a way of trying to break you. And once I broke off a piece of the cookie and tasted it, I realized that the ingredients that are required to make it taste good hadn't been affected. You see, despite all that I've been through. The ingredients that were there when you started this journey with me in April are still there. I'm still hopeful. I'm still grateful. I still believe that I'm going to be healed. I still believe that Jesus is going to turn this around for my good. I'm still me! Nothing can change that. I may not feel upbeat and uplifted everyday but, that doesn't mean that it's not in me.
Greater things may have not happened in 2014. So here's to Greater Things in 2015!!!!
Happy New Year #TeamToughCookie!!! You all have played a major role in how I've made it thus far. Thank you for all that you've done for me and my family. I love y'all!
#atoughcookiechronicles
#teamtoughcookie
#greaterthingsin2015
#idon'tlooklikewhati'vebeenthrough
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.
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April 3rd - Suspicious Cells Found
April 16th - Diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer ( A Tough Cookie is Born)
September 12th - Four Months of Chemo, the Tumor Triples in Size and Spreads to the Lymph Nodes
September 22nd - A New Journey Begins with MD Anderson Houston
November 6th - Mastectomy Surgery
November 20th - Cancer Found in the Chest Muscle
December 18th - At My Follow-up Appointment I Find Out that I'm not Cancer Free (I wrote on the board in my hospital room after surgery on December 9th that I was cancer free)
December 31st - My coworker comes in with a cookie. He said that they gave him an extra and he decided to share it with me. While sitting at my desk, he says, "Oh by the way that's a tough cookie!" We laughed because I knew this would inspire my last entry for 2014.
Greater things may have not happened in 2014. So here's to Greater Things in 2015!!!!
Happy New Year #TeamToughCookie!!! You all have played a major role in how I've made it thus far. Thank you for all that you've done for me and my family. I love y'all!
#atoughcookiechronicles
#teamtoughcookie
#greaterthingsin2015
#idon'tlooklikewhati'vebeenthrough
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.
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Monday, December 1, 2014
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
It's been 3 weeks since I had surgery and although I physically have challenges with my new body I feel a whole lot better than I have in months. The removal of my lymph nodes has limited my range of motion to my left arm. I can't lift my arm very high, if the arm is by my side. I am able to bend from the elbow, if the arm is already bent. Do to the lack of the range of motion and the weakness of my arm I have added a new member to my team Jeremy, my physical therapist. A new journey within my journey.
While recovering I had an appointment with the radiation oncologist who has a plan for moving forward I could sense the lack of complete confidence in her voice. It was the first time during an appointment I was discouraged. I left the office defeated. On top of that I had developed an infection. What was supposed to be a day filled with joy had turned into a day of blah! We had also learned that my hubby's cousin was diagnosed with brain cancer. Could this day possibly get worst? Our day started at 8 am and it was now 530 pm. While listening to my husband encourage family, I stared out the window. As the tears began to form in my eyes there it was, a rainbow.
You see throughout my journey whenever I received bad news I saw a rainbow. That day was no different. I see the rainbow as a sign of hope. God speaks to us in different ways. This was Him speaking to me again, reminding me that He is in control and that I will be just fine. My spirit was at peace. I felt better.
Friday morning I received a call from my surgeon. She wants to go back in and take more of my chest wall. She schedules an appointment for Monday. Well there goes my confidence yet again. This time during the appointment I can't contain the tears. I cry. I prefer to appear strong in front of others because I don't like upsetting people. This moment I thought of only myself. As my surgeon explained why she and my other doctors thought this approach was best, I let the tears fall.
Every time I feel we take a step forward there seems to be a step back. As we leave the doctor and travel back to Austin I remember that on Friday when driving to Houston there was another rainbow. This time I was honored to see both ends of the rainbow.
In Genesis 9, the rainbow is the sign of a covenant between God and man. God's covenant was a promise that He would never destroy the world by water ever again. The rainbow reminds us that He is a God that can not lie. When I started this journey the Lord said that I would live. The rainbow for me reminds me that He will do just what He said.
So as I contemplate surgery once again I may be unsure of what I'll do. However, I'm not concerned with whether this is a life or death situation. "The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it more abundantly. " (John 10:10)
#atoughcookiechronicles
#faith
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.
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Go to blogger.com.
Sign in and click Add.
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While recovering I had an appointment with the radiation oncologist who has a plan for moving forward I could sense the lack of complete confidence in her voice. It was the first time during an appointment I was discouraged. I left the office defeated. On top of that I had developed an infection. What was supposed to be a day filled with joy had turned into a day of blah! We had also learned that my hubby's cousin was diagnosed with brain cancer. Could this day possibly get worst? Our day started at 8 am and it was now 530 pm. While listening to my husband encourage family, I stared out the window. As the tears began to form in my eyes there it was, a rainbow.
You see throughout my journey whenever I received bad news I saw a rainbow. That day was no different. I see the rainbow as a sign of hope. God speaks to us in different ways. This was Him speaking to me again, reminding me that He is in control and that I will be just fine. My spirit was at peace. I felt better.
Friday morning I received a call from my surgeon. She wants to go back in and take more of my chest wall. She schedules an appointment for Monday. Well there goes my confidence yet again. This time during the appointment I can't contain the tears. I cry. I prefer to appear strong in front of others because I don't like upsetting people. This moment I thought of only myself. As my surgeon explained why she and my other doctors thought this approach was best, I let the tears fall.
Every time I feel we take a step forward there seems to be a step back. As we leave the doctor and travel back to Austin I remember that on Friday when driving to Houston there was another rainbow. This time I was honored to see both ends of the rainbow.
In Genesis 9, the rainbow is the sign of a covenant between God and man. God's covenant was a promise that He would never destroy the world by water ever again. The rainbow reminds us that He is a God that can not lie. When I started this journey the Lord said that I would live. The rainbow for me reminds me that He will do just what He said.
So as I contemplate surgery once again I may be unsure of what I'll do. However, I'm not concerned with whether this is a life or death situation. "The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it more abundantly. " (John 10:10)
#atoughcookiechronicles
#faith
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.
To subscribe to the blog:
Go to blogger.com.
Sign in and click Add.
You will start to receive emails.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
The Big Chop
It's 4:42 am on November 6th. Today at 5:30 am I begin the process for my mastectomy. I have decided to write this post in two parts, before and after surgery. At the moment I am at peace with what is about to occur. For the past week I couldn't explain to anyone how I was feeling. I was completely numb. I know there a lot of people praying for me and I know this peace is the result of prayer. I'm not sure what to expect in the next couple of hours when I awake and my body is different. I do know however that whatever takes place God will give me the strength to get through it.
It is now 742 pm. Several hours have passed since I've had sugery. Once the anesthesia wore off I was good. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest. The doctor said the tumor was more than 5 cm, which was the size of her fist. The tumor had gotten so big that it was pushing into my muscle wall. The lymph nodes were as hard as rocks. This news explains why my boob was so heavy. So indeed the phrase "a weight has been lifted off my chest" was my reality.
I didn't know how I would respond to seeing my war wound for the first time. Being that I am a reality TV show fan, I figured it would be tomorrow before seeing it. Today I got my first look at my new body. Well it wasn't that bad. You see the Lord had prepared me for this day. My mama elected not to have reconstruction after her mastectomy 3 years ago. I have gotten use to seeing her with one boob. When they opened the sugery bra there it was the smaller version of my mom's chest. It didn't even bother me!
I have to thank the Lord for preparing me for this day. It's been a tough journey. However, just like with my hair loss, the worry and fear was part of not knowing what to expect. Once it happened the reality was not that bad.
As I continue my journey which still I have a long way to go, I'll continue to pray, remain hopeful, and believe in the Lord. I couldn't do it without Him!
I need to thank my husband, mama, Aunt Punkin, sister-cousin, Ashley, and besties, Kaye, Kiki, and Yogi for being here for me. I love you with all my heart!
#atoughcookiechronicles
#Godisgood
It is now 742 pm. Several hours have passed since I've had sugery. Once the anesthesia wore off I was good. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest. The doctor said the tumor was more than 5 cm, which was the size of her fist. The tumor had gotten so big that it was pushing into my muscle wall. The lymph nodes were as hard as rocks. This news explains why my boob was so heavy. So indeed the phrase "a weight has been lifted off my chest" was my reality.
I didn't know how I would respond to seeing my war wound for the first time. Being that I am a reality TV show fan, I figured it would be tomorrow before seeing it. Today I got my first look at my new body. Well it wasn't that bad. You see the Lord had prepared me for this day. My mama elected not to have reconstruction after her mastectomy 3 years ago. I have gotten use to seeing her with one boob. When they opened the sugery bra there it was the smaller version of my mom's chest. It didn't even bother me!
I have to thank the Lord for preparing me for this day. It's been a tough journey. However, just like with my hair loss, the worry and fear was part of not knowing what to expect. Once it happened the reality was not that bad.
As I continue my journey which still I have a long way to go, I'll continue to pray, remain hopeful, and believe in the Lord. I couldn't do it without Him!
I need to thank my husband, mama, Aunt Punkin, sister-cousin, Ashley, and besties, Kaye, Kiki, and Yogi for being here for me. I love you with all my heart!
#atoughcookiechronicles
#Godisgood
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Silence is Golden
Some time ago I was asked to give an account of my journey with breast cancer during Breast Cancer Awareness month at my alma mater, Baylor University. I happily accepted because I'm not one to turn down an opportunity to make a difference in someone's life. As the date got closer and closer I began to think about how I would tell my story. During this time we found out that my original tumors had grown and now several lymph nodes are involved. I grew concerned. My husband on the other hand is a take charge kind of guy. He had a plan. Of course, he faced a lot of resistance. LOL! I have been single most of my life. I knew what plan I wanted to follow. Well, my plan wasn't working. He finally convinced me to get on plane to go meet a doctor who would share with me how our bodies heal them selves naturally with the right food and nutrients. It was during this trip when I figured out how I would tell my story.
As we sat on the plane I drafted my speech in a note book. I couldn't wait to share with others what I had cleverly come up with. While tweaking the speech the week before I was to speak, I was asked to participate in an amazing photo shoot with one of Austin's elite photographers. Once Corey and I arrived to his studio, the photographer, Dewayne showed me his vision. I was too pumped. I was thinking to myself, "Let's do this!" The makeup artist, Mei Ling arrived and she worked her magic. I had been transformed. The Tough Cookie was now a Fierce Fighter. Dewayne gave me instructions through out the night and I hoped that I could give him the expressions that he was trying to convey. He shared some of the images with us and I was in awe. I couldn't wait to see the finished product. The next day, he posted his favorite image.
The picture was powerful. It showed how I felt on the inside. I was OVER this cancer thang. I just want it out. I have been giving it all I got and this thing is getting the best of me. I felt empowered. Days later the strength exhibited in this picture faded. I had received news regarding the passing of loved ones who are special to those I love. These two beautiful souls that have been called home belong to the grandmother of my mentee and one of my dearest friend's mom. These two women have fought the good fight against breast cancer for a long time. Now they have gone on, not having to fight any more.
The emotion I was feeling, I've experienced before. My mind was consumed with thoughts of "what if's". What if we can't get this under control? What if the date set for surgery is to far away? What if God has other plans? What if... I couldn't sleep. The enlarged tumor reminds me at night that it's there when I turn to lay on my left side. The emotional roller coaster that I have been on is at an all time low. I'm not sure what to say or think. I couldn't fake it any more.
As I showered this morning, I prayed, "Lord, I refuse to give up. I need you to touch this body and turn things around." Then I began to repeat over and over until I was convinced, "By your stripes, I am healed." When I got out of the shower, I felt better.
God knows what we need and when we need it. As the day went on I received confirmation that God heard my cry. He had provided the answers to the "What if's". I received two devotions that complemented each other. Below are the devotions:
Devotion 1
Everyone faces the storms of life. Sometimes we have the faith to be delivered from the storms instantly; sometimes we have the faith to walk through the storms. But no matter which route you take, you can be sure that God is right there with you. He will equip you and sustain you. He will give you the grace, the supernatural empowerment, to make it through.
Today, maybe you are facing a storm and can’t quite see a way out. Maybe you’re not sure what the answer is. All you have to do is take it one step at a time by saying, “God, I know You have a good plan for my future.” “God, I am doing better today than I was yesterday.” “God, I know You are leading and guiding me.” With every step you take, know that God is doing a work in your life. Know that He is with you, and He will comfort you. Keep moving forward. Keep taking those steps of faith and keep walking through the storm into the place of victory He has prepared for you!
Devotion 2
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher
Scripture: "Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently on the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14
The moral? Sometimes when we are our strongest in our silence and/or our willingness to keep going.
Today's Challenge: Keep laying down and getting up... that's courageous.
My husband sent me these words of encouragement, "Focus on your healing. It's coming!!!! You have to believe and have faith!!! Those tumors are not bigger than YOUR GOD!!!!"
I do serve a bigger God and though I may not know what the future holds for my life, I am sure that I have a future. I have decided to lean not to my own understanding and trust in the Lord. For the rest of this week, I choose to be silent and keep going!
As we sat on the plane I drafted my speech in a note book. I couldn't wait to share with others what I had cleverly come up with. While tweaking the speech the week before I was to speak, I was asked to participate in an amazing photo shoot with one of Austin's elite photographers. Once Corey and I arrived to his studio, the photographer, Dewayne showed me his vision. I was too pumped. I was thinking to myself, "Let's do this!" The makeup artist, Mei Ling arrived and she worked her magic. I had been transformed. The Tough Cookie was now a Fierce Fighter. Dewayne gave me instructions through out the night and I hoped that I could give him the expressions that he was trying to convey. He shared some of the images with us and I was in awe. I couldn't wait to see the finished product. The next day, he posted his favorite image.
The picture was powerful. It showed how I felt on the inside. I was OVER this cancer thang. I just want it out. I have been giving it all I got and this thing is getting the best of me. I felt empowered. Days later the strength exhibited in this picture faded. I had received news regarding the passing of loved ones who are special to those I love. These two beautiful souls that have been called home belong to the grandmother of my mentee and one of my dearest friend's mom. These two women have fought the good fight against breast cancer for a long time. Now they have gone on, not having to fight any more.
The emotion I was feeling, I've experienced before. My mind was consumed with thoughts of "what if's". What if we can't get this under control? What if the date set for surgery is to far away? What if God has other plans? What if... I couldn't sleep. The enlarged tumor reminds me at night that it's there when I turn to lay on my left side. The emotional roller coaster that I have been on is at an all time low. I'm not sure what to say or think. I couldn't fake it any more.
As I showered this morning, I prayed, "Lord, I refuse to give up. I need you to touch this body and turn things around." Then I began to repeat over and over until I was convinced, "By your stripes, I am healed." When I got out of the shower, I felt better.
God knows what we need and when we need it. As the day went on I received confirmation that God heard my cry. He had provided the answers to the "What if's". I received two devotions that complemented each other. Below are the devotions:
Devotion 1
Everyone faces the storms of life. Sometimes we have the faith to be delivered from the storms instantly; sometimes we have the faith to walk through the storms. But no matter which route you take, you can be sure that God is right there with you. He will equip you and sustain you. He will give you the grace, the supernatural empowerment, to make it through.
Today, maybe you are facing a storm and can’t quite see a way out. Maybe you’re not sure what the answer is. All you have to do is take it one step at a time by saying, “God, I know You have a good plan for my future.” “God, I am doing better today than I was yesterday.” “God, I know You are leading and guiding me.” With every step you take, know that God is doing a work in your life. Know that He is with you, and He will comfort you. Keep moving forward. Keep taking those steps of faith and keep walking through the storm into the place of victory He has prepared for you!
Devotion 2
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher
Scripture: "Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently on the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14
The moral? Sometimes when we are our strongest in our silence and/or our willingness to keep going.
Today's Challenge: Keep laying down and getting up... that's courageous.
My husband sent me these words of encouragement, "Focus on your healing. It's coming!!!! You have to believe and have faith!!! Those tumors are not bigger than YOUR GOD!!!!"
I do serve a bigger God and though I may not know what the future holds for my life, I am sure that I have a future. I have decided to lean not to my own understanding and trust in the Lord. For the rest of this week, I choose to be silent and keep going!
Friday, September 19, 2014
This Little Light of Mine
It's been almost a month since we learned that Plan B drugs weren't working. I'll admit that Monday, August 25th when I went in for the ultrasound I knew that something wasn't right. Unlike the previous ultrasound where I paid close attention to the screen and drew my on conclusions, I decided to lie there. Unfortunately, I could discern from the conversation between the two technicians that they saw some differences. I was not looking forward to hearing the results.
In a few days the results were in and they were not good. Like I had suspected the tumors had grown and there was a new tumor. Family and friends reached out to check on me and to find out the plan to move forward. For the first time, I shutdown. I needed time to process all that was going on. It becomes discouraging when nothing seems to be working. I've been receiving chemo since May. Of course, I'd like to see some progress. However, things seem to be getting worst. What's sad is that I'm not alone. I follow several other people's journeys who seem to be facing the same odds. Why do these things happen? Why us?
One morning I woke up to a text of pictures from my cousin who was celebrating the life of his dad, my uncle, who would have been 62 this month. I couldn't respond due to the pictures bringing back happy and sad memories. My uncle and I were diagnosed with cancer at the same time in 1992. He went through all the procedures that I would have to face before me. Despite what he was going through, he did it with a smile. The day before my procedures he would call and talk to me about what to expect. Most doctors were surprised by the strength I exhibited at 15 years old. My sweet uncle had taken the sting out of those procedures so I could face them with boldness. Unfortunately, my uncle's cancer would go into a brief remission then later claim his life. What my family didn't know is that for years I felt guilty and waited for my turn to die. I couldn't understand why God would take him and leave me. So, I lived in fear of dying until I graduated from college.
In my 20s I learned why God chose for me to live. I had been assigned to minister to his daughters. I found my purpose and life was great. Now as I'm in the midst of this journey for the second time. This time I'm not afraid of dying. I feel driven to live. But...
I have days where I question the reason for the journey and how do I honor God when I'm ready to ball up in a corner and sit there until something happens. I sometimes wonder how can I let my light shine, like my uncle, when I feel like I'm in a dark place? I don't feel like smiling or talking. I want to shut the world out and face this alone. Better yet, I don't want to do this at all.
In 1 Thessalonians 1:4, it states, "For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you." So, I know I've been chosen. What exactly does that mean and what does it require? God makes it plain, "in spite of severe suffering, you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. And so you became a model to all the believers." (1 Thessalonians 1: 6-7)
The day that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, was the day I chose to accept God's will for my life. I am to live this life to the fullest because His words says that, "I have come so that you may have life and have it in abundance. (John 10:10) I have the choice to face this thing from an optimistic or pessimistic view. I told you all before that I am driven to live. Living means looking at adversities from an optimistic view. When life deals you lemons make lemonade. To choose to live means never giving up and throwing in the towel. It means face your bad days like your good ones, it's simple, take one day at a time. Sometimes circumstance don't change overnight, know that if you get an opportunity to see another day, then there's another day for life to get better.
My uncle was and still is my guardian angel. Everything I've faced during this journey has left people amazed at how I've handled them. My uncle is still taking the sting out of things. I'm sure he's proud.
This little light of mine... Well, I let it shine as often as possible. Understand that the Lord is who illuminates my light. He's my power source. And even when I don't think it's shining it sometimes finds a way to shine.
#atoughcookiechronicles
#livinglifelikeit'sgolden
#ripunclerob
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.
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In a few days the results were in and they were not good. Like I had suspected the tumors had grown and there was a new tumor. Family and friends reached out to check on me and to find out the plan to move forward. For the first time, I shutdown. I needed time to process all that was going on. It becomes discouraging when nothing seems to be working. I've been receiving chemo since May. Of course, I'd like to see some progress. However, things seem to be getting worst. What's sad is that I'm not alone. I follow several other people's journeys who seem to be facing the same odds. Why do these things happen? Why us?
One morning I woke up to a text of pictures from my cousin who was celebrating the life of his dad, my uncle, who would have been 62 this month. I couldn't respond due to the pictures bringing back happy and sad memories. My uncle and I were diagnosed with cancer at the same time in 1992. He went through all the procedures that I would have to face before me. Despite what he was going through, he did it with a smile. The day before my procedures he would call and talk to me about what to expect. Most doctors were surprised by the strength I exhibited at 15 years old. My sweet uncle had taken the sting out of those procedures so I could face them with boldness. Unfortunately, my uncle's cancer would go into a brief remission then later claim his life. What my family didn't know is that for years I felt guilty and waited for my turn to die. I couldn't understand why God would take him and leave me. So, I lived in fear of dying until I graduated from college.
In my 20s I learned why God chose for me to live. I had been assigned to minister to his daughters. I found my purpose and life was great. Now as I'm in the midst of this journey for the second time. This time I'm not afraid of dying. I feel driven to live. But...
I have days where I question the reason for the journey and how do I honor God when I'm ready to ball up in a corner and sit there until something happens. I sometimes wonder how can I let my light shine, like my uncle, when I feel like I'm in a dark place? I don't feel like smiling or talking. I want to shut the world out and face this alone. Better yet, I don't want to do this at all.
In 1 Thessalonians 1:4, it states, "For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you." So, I know I've been chosen. What exactly does that mean and what does it require? God makes it plain, "in spite of severe suffering, you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. And so you became a model to all the believers." (1 Thessalonians 1: 6-7)
The day that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, was the day I chose to accept God's will for my life. I am to live this life to the fullest because His words says that, "I have come so that you may have life and have it in abundance. (John 10:10) I have the choice to face this thing from an optimistic or pessimistic view. I told you all before that I am driven to live. Living means looking at adversities from an optimistic view. When life deals you lemons make lemonade. To choose to live means never giving up and throwing in the towel. It means face your bad days like your good ones, it's simple, take one day at a time. Sometimes circumstance don't change overnight, know that if you get an opportunity to see another day, then there's another day for life to get better.
My uncle was and still is my guardian angel. Everything I've faced during this journey has left people amazed at how I've handled them. My uncle is still taking the sting out of things. I'm sure he's proud.
This little light of mine... Well, I let it shine as often as possible. Understand that the Lord is who illuminates my light. He's my power source. And even when I don't think it's shining it sometimes finds a way to shine.
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