Keeping It Real with Myself

I had been pondering on what to write for this post and one thing has stayed with me for the past 3 weeks as other topics have crossed my mind.  It wasn't until I pulled up Facebook on my phone and my sister had posted a video of brother-in-law singing a song of encouragement.  That was confirmation for me regarding what I would share with you all.

This morning I woke up READY to tackle treatment #3.  As I showered I reflected on how far the Lord has brought me and prayed that He would continue to give me the strength to recover quickly after my treatment.  After treatment #2 I had high expectations that I would quickly bounce back like I did after treatment #1.  It only took me until the following Tuesday to feel like myself.  By Tuesday after treatment #2, I still felt HORRIBLE!  On top of that I had purchased tickets for Corey and I to go to a concert.  I needed to find some energy to get out and find me something cute to wear.  If you know me, I only need a good reason to buy something new, which this would be a great reason.  Even though I didn't feel great, I pressed to hit up a store after work.  While trying on a few things, staring at myself in the mirror, the person staring back wasn't me.  I slowly fell into a state of depression.  It was evident from the clothes I selected.  Everything I picked up was dark there wasn't one piece that had color.  My family and friends know that I have never been afraid to wear anything that stood out.

I tried to collect my feeling and head to another store.  I made a quick call to my hubby, it was sure to lift my spirits because I knew he would say something that would bring about a change. As I sat in the car after arriving at my next destination, I could do nothing but cry to him about my feelings.  I didn't like feeling this way and I had hoped the next day would bring about my normal happy, positive self.

Wednesday came and I was still not feeling like myself.  My sister-friend who I shared my Tuesday experience with rearranged her schedule and met me for some retail therapy.  It was great to have her there with me.  We found something that I loved and just spending time with her lifted my spirits.  I wasn't completely out of the depression, but I could see that I a difference.

Thursday morning came and I wasn't feeling any better.  I was still feeling down.  Friends and family would call and I wouldn't pick up the phone.  After a few hours, I returned a few calls.  I admitted to my mama and a few friends that I was not in a good head space and despite praying, I didn't seem to feel like I was coming out it.

I found that in this moment that I had to keep it real with myself.  I was depressed.  Talking about it to others helped me to feel better.  Not answering the phone and isolating myself was not the answer.  What I learned is that when you have these feelings it okay to have them, it is not okay to stay in that place.  When you find yourself feeling this way I encourage you to pray and find someone to confide in.  I'm blessed to have a supportive and loving support system whom when I'm ready to talk, listens and offers up words of encouragement.

Be honest with yourself!  If you find yourself in a bad head space after doing those things, please seek professional help.  My Pastor encourages us to find a good therapist to talk to.  A good friend advised me right after Corey and I got married that if we started to have problems to not wait until  were ready to call it quits, to seek counselling right away.

The words that my brother-in-law sang this morning simply reminded me that my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ loves me.  His Word says, "You have been put to no test but such as is common to man; and God is true, who will not let any test come on you which you are not able to undergo; but he will make with the test a way out of it, so that you may be able to go through it." (I Corinthians 10:13 (BBE - Bible in Basic English Translation).

If you don't feel comfortable sharing with someone, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.

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Many Are the Plans

Many of you know that I have spent the last several years of my life ministering to teenage girls.  As a teenager I found myself involved in many organizations.  Without being aware until I was much older, I realized that I always ended up as a mentor to someone.  After starting D.I.V.A.S at my church, St James Missionary Baptist Church, I found myself looking back over my life and reflecting on how I ended up helping girls.  D.I.V.A.S. stands for Developing Into (His) Vision As Sisters, it is a mentoring program for girls.  Then a few years later I started Princess in Training, Inc. (P.I.T) because I wanted to reach girls beyond our church walls.

My friends have always been supportive and have worked hard to give my ministries life.  They've sacrificed their time and invested themselves wholeheartedly in the lives of every girl that participated in D.I.V.A.S or P.I.T.  I am so grateful to them.

What people don't see is the amount of energy and work that goes into keeping these ministries a float.  We are planning and organizing a lot of the year.  The day of events are very stressful as we rise early to ensure that when our girls and parents arrive the event goes smoothly.  A lot of times there are plenty of things that just don't come together smoothly, like speakers not showing up on time or cancelling the day of, which throws the schedule off and we have to adjust quickly.  We have always managed to figure it out and the events are successful.

I have always struggled with taking a break from D.I.V.A.S and PIT.  My body could be worn down and I'll find the energy to keep pressing.  We do it for the girls.  Well in this season, I struggle again with whether or not to take a break.  We have put the girls before ourselves in the past.  We've been planning for PIT camp this year and have most of our schedule and speakers secured, however in my spirit I feel that the Lord is leading me to put myself first this time.

One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 19:20, "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but the Lord's purpose shall prevail."  I am reminded that the Lord is in control.  Despite my desire and heart to press, my body is not able.  The Lord says in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

A beautiful woman once told me, "We never know what we're signing up for, when we say yes to God's will and His way."  Had I known that cancer would be in my future again, she's right, I'd have tried to sign up for another path.  However, even in this, I know that God has a plan for me.  This time I get to sit back and take it all in.  I won't be too busy letting life and God's work pass me by because I'm sitting still taking it in.  I'm already in awe and this is just the beginning of this journey.

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