A Tough Cookie

Well today's the last day of the year and I've had plenty of time to reflect.  On December 31, 2013 while preparing for the entrance of the new year a preacher spoke the words, "Greater Things in 2014".  Those words would become my motto for the new year.  As the year started, greater things were happening.  Then April happened.  April 16, 2014, a Tough Cookie was born.  This was the day I was diagnosed with Triple Negative breast cancer.   I was told that I would only need 6 rounds of chemo, 1 round every 3 weeks.  Then I'd have surgery and reconstruction.  Well...  That's not quite how it happened.  Here's a recap.

April 3rd - Suspicious Cells Found

April 16th - Diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer ( A Tough Cookie is  Born)

September 12th - Four Months of Chemo, the Tumor Triples in Size and Spreads to the Lymph Nodes

September 22nd - A New Journey Begins with MD Anderson Houston

November 6th - Mastectomy Surgery

November 20th - Cancer Found in the Chest Muscle

December 9th - A Second Surgery to Remove Cancer from my Chest Muscle

December 18th - At My Follow-up Appointment I Find Out that I'm not Cancer Free (I wrote on the board in my hospital room after surgery on December 9th that I was cancer free)

December 31st - My coworker comes in with a cookie.  He said that they gave him an extra and he decided to share it with me.  While sitting at my desk, he says, "Oh by the way that's a tough cookie!"  We laughed because I knew this would inspire my last entry for 2014.  

I took the cookie out of the bag and it was indeed a tough cookie.  I had to apply pressure to break the cookie.  That's what we experience daily, pressure!  Life has a way of trying to break you.  And once I broke off a piece of the cookie and tasted it, I realized that the ingredients that are required to make it taste good hadn't been affected.  You see, despite all that I've been through.  The ingredients that were there when you started this journey with me in April are still there.  I'm still hopeful.  I'm still grateful.  I still believe that I'm going to be healed.  I still believe that Jesus is going to turn this around for my good.  I'm still me!  Nothing can change that.  I may not feel upbeat and uplifted everyday but, that doesn't mean that it's not in me.

Greater things may have not happened in 2014.  So here's to Greater Things in 2015!!!!

Happy New Year #TeamToughCookie!!!  You all have played a major role in how I've made it thus far.  Thank you for all that you've done for me and my family.  I love y'all!

#atoughcookiechronicles
#teamtoughcookie
#greaterthingsin2015
#idon'tlooklikewhati'vebeenthrough


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Somewhere Over the Rainbow

It's been 3 weeks since I had surgery and although I physically have challenges with my new body I feel a whole lot better than I have in months.  The removal of my lymph nodes has limited my range of motion to my left arm.  I can't lift my arm very high, if the arm is by my side. I am able to bend from the elbow, if the arm is already bent. Do to the lack of the range of motion and the weakness of my arm I have added a new member to my team Jeremy, my physical therapist.   A new journey within my journey.

While recovering I had an appointment with the radiation oncologist who has a plan for moving forward I could sense the lack of complete confidence in her voice.  It was the first time during an appointment I was discouraged. I left the office defeated.  On top of that I had developed an infection.   What was supposed to be a day filled with joy had turned into a day of blah!  We had also learned that my hubby's cousin was diagnosed with brain cancer. Could this day possibly get worst?   Our day started at 8 am and it was now 530 pm.  While listening to my husband encourage family, I stared out the window.  As the tears began to form in my eyes there it was,  a rainbow.

You see throughout my journey whenever I received bad news I saw a rainbow.  That day was no different.   I see the rainbow as a sign of hope.  God speaks to us in different ways.  This was Him speaking to me again, reminding me that He is in control and that I will be just fine.  My spirit was at peace. I felt better.

Friday morning I received a call from my surgeon. She wants to go back in and take more of my chest wall.  She schedules an appointment for Monday.  Well there goes my confidence yet again.  This time during the appointment I can't contain the tears. I cry. I prefer to appear strong in front of others because I don't like upsetting people.  This moment I thought of only myself.   As my surgeon explained why she and my other doctors thought this approach was best, I let the tears fall.

Every time I feel we take a step forward there seems to be a step back.  As we leave the doctor and travel back to Austin I remember that on Friday when driving to Houston there was another rainbow.  This time I was honored to see both ends of the rainbow.

In Genesis 9, the rainbow is the sign of a covenant between God and man.  God's covenant was a promise that He would never destroy the world by water ever again.   The rainbow reminds us that He is a God that can not lie.  When I started this journey the Lord said that I would live.  The rainbow for me reminds me that He will do just what He said.

So as I contemplate surgery once again I may be unsure of what I'll do.  However, I'm not concerned with whether this is a life or death situation. "The thief comes  to kill, steal,  and destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it more abundantly. " (John 10:10)

#atoughcookiechronicles
#faith

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The Big Chop

It's 4:42 am on November 6th.  Today at 5:30 am I begin the process for my mastectomy.   I have decided to write this post in two parts, before and after surgery.  At the moment I am at peace with what is about to occur.   For the past week I couldn't explain to anyone how I was feeling.  I was completely numb.  I know there a lot of people praying for me and I know this peace is the result of prayer.  I'm not sure what to expect in the next couple of hours when I awake and my body is different.  I do know however that whatever takes place God will give me the strength to get through it.

It is now 742 pm. Several hours have passed since I've had sugery.  Once the anesthesia wore off I was good.  I felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest.   The doctor said the tumor was more than 5 cm, which was the size of her fist.   The tumor had gotten so big that it was pushing into my muscle wall.  The lymph nodes were as hard as rocks.  This news explains why my boob was so heavy.   So indeed the phrase "a weight has been lifted off my chest" was my reality.

I didn't know how I would respond to seeing my war wound for the first time.  Being that I am a reality TV show fan, I figured it would be tomorrow before seeing it.  Today I got my first look at my new body.  Well it wasn't that bad.  You see the Lord had prepared me for this day.   My mama elected not to have reconstruction after her mastectomy 3 years ago.  I have gotten use to seeing her with one boob.  When they opened the sugery bra there it was the smaller version of my mom's chest.  It didn't even bother me!

I have to thank the Lord for preparing me for this day.  It's been a tough journey.  However, just like with my hair loss, the worry and fear was part of not knowing what to expect.   Once it happened the reality was not that bad.

As I continue my journey which still I have a long way to go, I'll continue to pray, remain hopeful, and believe in the Lord.  I couldn't do it without Him!

I need to thank my husband,  mama, Aunt Punkin, sister-cousin, Ashley, and besties, Kaye, Kiki, and Yogi for being here for me.  I love you with all my heart!

#atoughcookiechronicles
#Godisgood

Silence is Golden

Some time ago I was asked to give an account of my journey with breast cancer during Breast Cancer Awareness month at my alma mater, Baylor University.  I happily accepted because I'm not one to turn down an opportunity to make a difference in someone's life.  As the date got closer and closer I began to think about how I would tell my story.  During this time we found out that my original tumors had grown and now several lymph nodes are involved.  I grew concerned.  My husband on the other hand is a take charge kind of guy. He had a plan.  Of course, he faced a lot of resistance.  LOL!  I have been single most of my life.  I knew what plan I wanted to follow.  Well, my plan wasn't working.  He finally convinced me to get on plane to go meet a doctor who would share with me how our bodies heal them selves naturally with the right food and nutrients.  It was during this trip when I figured out how I would tell my story.

As we sat on the plane I drafted my speech in a note book.  I couldn't wait to share with others what I had cleverly come up with.  While tweaking the speech the week before I was to speak, I was asked to participate in an amazing photo shoot with one of Austin's elite photographers.  Once Corey and I arrived to his studio, the photographer, Dewayne showed me his vision.  I was too pumped.  I was thinking to myself, "Let's do this!"  The makeup artist, Mei Ling arrived and she worked her magic.  I had been transformed.  The Tough Cookie was now a Fierce Fighter.  Dewayne gave me instructions through out the night and I hoped that I could give him the expressions that he was trying to convey.  He shared some of the images with us and I was in awe.  I couldn't wait to see the finished product.  The next day, he posted his favorite image.

The picture was powerful.  It showed how I felt on the inside.  I was OVER this cancer thang.  I just want it out.  I have been giving it all I got and this thing is getting the best of me.  I felt empowered.  Days later the strength exhibited in this picture faded.  I had received news  regarding the passing of loved ones who are special to those I love.  These two beautiful souls that have been called home belong to the grandmother of my mentee and one of my dearest friend's mom.  These two women have fought the good fight against breast cancer for a long time.  Now they have gone on, not having to fight any more.

The emotion I was feeling, I've experienced before.  My mind was consumed with thoughts of "what if's".  What if we can't get this under control?  What if the date set for surgery is to far away?  What if God has other plans?  What if...  I couldn't sleep.  The enlarged tumor reminds me at night that it's there when I turn to lay on my left side.  The emotional roller coaster that I have been on is at an all time low.  I'm not sure what to say or think.  I couldn't fake it any more.

As I showered this morning, I prayed, "Lord, I refuse to give up.  I need you to touch this body and turn things around."  Then I began to repeat over and over until I was convinced, "By your stripes, I am healed."  When I got out of the shower, I felt better.

God knows what we need and when we need it.  As the day went on I received confirmation that God heard my cry.  He had provided the answers to the "What if's".  I received two devotions that complemented each other.  Below are the devotions:

Devotion 1
Everyone faces the storms of life. Sometimes we have the faith to be delivered from the storms instantly; sometimes we have the faith to walk through the storms. But no matter which route you take, you can be sure that God is right there with you. He will equip you and sustain you. He will give you the grace, the supernatural empowerment, to make it through.

Today, maybe you are facing a storm and can’t quite see a way out. Maybe you’re not sure what the answer is. All you have to do is take it one step at a time by saying, “God, I know You have a good plan for my future.” “God, I am doing better today than I was yesterday.” “God, I know You are leading and guiding me.” With every step you take, know that God is doing a work in your life. Know that He is with you, and He will comfort you. Keep moving forward. Keep taking those steps of faith and keep walking through the storm into the place of victory He has prepared for you!  

Devotion 2
"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher

Scripture: "Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently on the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

The moral? Sometimes when we are our strongest in our silence and/or our willingness to keep going.
Today's Challenge: Keep laying down and getting up... that's courageous.

My husband sent me these words of encouragement, "Focus on your healing.  It's coming!!!!  You have to believe and have faith!!!  Those tumors are not bigger than YOUR GOD!!!!"

I do serve a bigger God and though I may not know what the future holds for my life, I am sure that I have a future.  I have decided to lean not to my own understanding and trust in the Lord.  For the rest of this week, I choose to be silent and keep going!

This Little Light of Mine

It's been almost a month since we learned that Plan B drugs weren't working.  I'll admit that Monday, August 25th when I went in for the ultrasound I knew that something wasn't right.  Unlike the previous ultrasound where I paid close attention to the screen and drew my on conclusions, I decided to lie there.  Unfortunately, I could discern from the conversation between the two technicians that they saw some differences.  I was not looking forward to hearing the results.

In a few days the results were in and they were not good.  Like I had suspected the tumors had grown and there was a new tumor.  Family and friends reached out to check on me and to find out the plan to move forward.  For the first time, I shutdown.  I needed time to process all that was going on.  It becomes discouraging when nothing seems to be working.  I've been receiving chemo since May.  Of course, I'd like to see some progress.  However, things seem to be getting worst.  What's sad is that I'm not alone.  I follow several other people's journeys who seem to be facing the same odds.  Why do these things happen?  Why us?

One morning I woke up to a text of pictures from my cousin who was celebrating the life of his dad, my uncle, who would have been 62 this month.  I couldn't respond due to the pictures bringing back happy and sad memories.  My uncle and I were diagnosed with cancer at the same time in 1992.  He went through all the procedures that I would have to face before me.  Despite what he was going through, he did it with a smile.  The day before my procedures he would call and talk to me about what to expect.  Most doctors were surprised by the strength I exhibited at 15 years old.   My sweet uncle had taken the sting out of those procedures so I could face them with boldness.  Unfortunately, my uncle's cancer would go into a brief remission then later claim his life. What my family didn't know is that for years I felt guilty and waited for my turn to die.  I couldn't understand why God would take him and leave me.  So, I lived in fear of dying until I graduated from college.

In my 20s I learned why God chose for me to live.  I had been assigned to minister to his daughters.  I found my purpose and life was great.  Now as I'm in the midst of this journey for the second time. This time I'm not afraid of dying.  I feel driven to live.  But...

I have days where I question the reason for the journey and how do I honor God when I'm ready to ball up in a corner and sit there until something happens.  I sometimes wonder how can I let my light shine, like my uncle, when I feel like I'm in a dark place?  I don't feel like smiling or talking.  I want to shut the world out and face this alone.  Better yet, I don't want to do this at all.

In 1 Thessalonians 1:4, it states, "For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you."  So, I know I've been chosen.  What exactly does that mean and what does it require?  God makes it plain, "in spite of severe suffering, you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit.  And so you became a model to all the believers." (1 Thessalonians 1: 6-7)

The day that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, was the day I  chose to accept God's will for my life.  I am to live this life to the fullest because His words says that, "I have come so that you may have life and have it in abundance. (John 10:10)  I have the choice to face this thing from an optimistic or pessimistic view.  I told you all before that I am driven to live.  Living means looking at adversities from an optimistic view.  When life deals you lemons make lemonade.  To choose to live means never giving up and throwing in the towel.  It means face your bad days like your good ones, it's simple, take one day at a time.  Sometimes circumstance don't change overnight, know that if you get an opportunity to see another day, then there's another day for life to get better.

My uncle was and still is my guardian angel.  Everything I've faced during this journey has left people amazed at how I've handled them.  My uncle is still taking the sting out of things.  I'm sure he's proud.

This little light of mine...  Well, I let it shine as often as possible.  Understand that the Lord is who illuminates my light.  He's my power source.  And even when I don't think it's shining it sometimes finds a way to shine.

#atoughcookiechronicles
#livinglifelikeit'sgolden
#ripunclerob

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I Promise

On this particular day, I wasn't feeling well and I was a bit overwhelmed with emotion.  He had pulled me in for a bear hug and the tears began to stream.  I couldn't contain myself any more.  Over and over I kept saying, "I'm sorry."  He was unsure of what was happening, puzzled by the apologies.  I was feeling guilty about all that was taking place in our lives.

Our love journey is really a special one.  I love to tell the story of how we became the Fords because the evidence of God is in the details.  In February 2012, God had called home my aunt.  During the week as my cousin, her son made arrangements for the funeral, I would check on him regularly just to make sure he was okay and to offer my help.  While chatting one day he tells me that his homeboy asked about me.  I'm thinking well this isn't a good time for ol' dude to be inquiring about my whereabouts.  My cousin goes on to say that we have a lot in common and that he'd like to introduce me to him.  Anyone that tried to set me up was given the disclaimer, "I'll meet this person.  However, I'm not making any promises on what will come of us meeting."

So, yes of all places, I met my hubby for the first time after my aunt's funeral over BBQ.  We attempted to exchange numbers, except his phone was in his car.  He called me later that night, we exchanged a few words and decided we would chat the next day because he was working on his sermon.  My friends knew I would never marry a preacher.  I was okay maybe being a deaconess, but never a minister's wife.  LOL!!  I shared that with him and all he could do was laugh and offer to demote himself.  LOL

The following evening we talked for hours getting to know each other.  We were enjoying the conversation when out of the blue, he asked me to marry him.  YUP!  That's right, within 24 hours of knowing each other my husband asked me to marry him and I said YES!

Every little girl dreams of the day her prince charming will walk into her life, sweep her off her feet, and carry her into her fairy tale life.  Considering the fact that I met my hubby and married late, that was my expectation.  I thought the Lord would exempt us from trials and tribulations.  Why?  Well, I had done my part so I had thought.  I worked hard for the Lord.  I worked at church, at home, and in the community faithfully for years doing the "Lord's Work".

As newly weds we've been dealt several blows.  Within a year and half of marriage it seems that life keeps getting harder and harder for us.  What I know is that if I had married the wrong man these trying times would be that much harder.  Earlier I told you that Lord was in the details, which you couldn't see because I gave you the Cliff Notes version of our love story.

Well 20 years ago you see we had met before.  My hubby and I were in the wedding of the cousin that introduced us.  They've been best friends since high school.  What's funny is that we don't recall meeting each other.  The day after our wedding, my cousin posted the pic from their wedding and there we were on opposite sides of the photo.  We couldn't help but to laugh.  I definitely wouldn't have given him the time of day back then. LOL!!!

Jeremiah 29:11 states, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  This is Corey's favorite scripture.  We know that our relationship with Christ is what helps us on those days when we feel like we're under life's thumb.

What the devil meant for evil God will turn it for our good.  We find comfort in the book of Job.  Job was chosen by the Lord to be tested.  His wife told him to curse God and die.  He was married to the wrong woman.  My husband has been loving, supportive, encouraging, and there every step of the way.  I knew I chose the right man when he kneeled beside the bed one night and prayed until we were convinced God had heard us.  James 5:16 says, "The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."

So I dedicate this entry of my blog to my Adam, my Boaz, my Priest, Provider, Prophet, and Protector, my husband, Corey Ford.  I PROMISE to be your faithful wife in sickness and health, for better and for worst, in joy and in sorrow.  I PROMISE to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you as long as we both shall live".   I PROMISE.

**Our wedding song, Jagged "Promise"**

#livingoutourvows
#whatGodjoinedletnooneseparate
#mark10:9

When the Report is Not Good

Midway through the treatments the doctor wanted to see how the tumors were responding to the chemo, so he ordered an ultrasound.  The day of the ultrasound, as I laid on the table, to a non-trained eye, I saw nothing.  The comparison to what I saw during my first ultrasound was completely different.  I left feeling optimistic and convinced that the tumors were dead.  We left the ultrasound and celebrated the idea that we were on the right track.

I was looking forward to my doctor sharing with us the good news on the day of my 4th treatment.  I even thought he would simply say,  "You're healed, no more treatments for you!"  He opened the report and the look on his face was not a happy expression.  He informed us that this was the first time he looked at the report.  In a state of shock he tells us that the tumors have grown.  In my mind I was thinking this couldn't be true.  Then my thoughts were overtaken by the fact that I had to stay strong for my husband and our youngest daughter.  I quickly tucked my feelings into my sleeve.

The doctor decides to change his strategy.  "We will move forward with surgery", he says.  "Let's get that thing out."  I nod and agree, still in a state of disbelief.  He orders that I go forward with round 4 and that I would take a month off from chemo then proceed with surgery.  I agree.  We leave his office and as I head for the infusion room the tears began to form.  It's challenging to receive bad news then put on a brave face in front of others to hide the hurt.  I've learned to mask my feelings over time.  Most often, no one can really tell when I'm hurting, upset, or feeling some kind of way.  Well, my mama and my husband can.

As I sat in the infusion room and I began to share the news with my family, a few tears fell.  Then I heard the bell ring.  One of my fellow cancer family members had finished chemo.  It was a moment to celebrate despite the news I had received.  I made it through treatment and turned down for a few days.  I had buried the pain for the moment.

A week passes and I'm in a better mood.  Corey and I have decided that we are going into constant prayer for my healing.  I had made up my mind that I would not believe the report.  I've decided that I am going to continue to believe that I am healed and that God has changed the path that I had to take to make this a reality.  One night after we prayed I was sitting in bed and the emotions that I thought I had buried deep within surfaced.  I cried uncontrollably for an extended period of time.  I couldn't turn the tears off.  However, once I was done I felt better.  I had purged.  Tears are therapeutic.  I always feel better after a good cry.

At the beginning of the next week we met with the surgeon.  He discussed my options and I had an idea of what I wanted to do.  He then examines me.  As he ran his hand under my arm, the tumor which he couldn't feel in April was now large enough for him to feel.  My heart was broken.  I left his office overwhelmed and disappointed.

What do you do when the report is not good?  You must take your concerns, questions, and emotions to the Lord in prayer.  God will answer your prayers.  He will give you the strength to endure.  You must muster up enough energy to take it to Him and leave it with Him.  People always say, "Let go and let God".  This is easier said then done.  However, when you decide to trust Him even when the report is not good that's when you'll find your peace.

Despite all that I'm going through God's has sent His Word and His chosen vessels to share the good news.  I've got the peace that surpasses all understanding only because I believe His Word more than I believe the doctor's report.  No tumor is too big for my God!  I had in my mind the plan that I thought God would follow to lead me to my healing.  When that plan ended up not working I was disappointed.  When the doctor said he had a new plan, I agreed to it without hesitation.  I have to believe that the Lord is working through Him to get me healed.

God had sent me a Word the day before I had to meet with the surgeon.  Psalm 84:6 says, "As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools." (NIV).

When I researched Psalm 84:6, I found a sermon that gave me more insight into the verse.  The sermon by Darren Rogers states that this valley also known as the Valley of Weeping is used as a thoroughfare.  It's a temporary place to take you from one place to the next.  He claims that there is no way around the valley that you have to travel through it.  Life will always have ups and downs.  It's how you decide to handle the downs that will either help you or hurt you as you deal with life's challenges.

I can't help but to look up while I'm in the valley.  I know that I am not alone while I'm here.  I know that God's Word says that He will never leave us, nor forsake us.  It also says that when I am weak, He is strong.  I know that ALL things work together for my good and for His glory.  I know that I'm coming out of this victoriously.  As I chatted with a beautiful church member of mine on Monday, who has taken this journey, she said to me, "Oh no honey, I don't tell people that I am a breast cancer survivor, I tell people I conquered cancer because God's Word says that we are more than conquerors."

Despite what has taken place over the past two weeks, I see myself in the near future.  What do I see?  I see a conqueror!!!

#atoughcookiecontinuestofight
#don'tbelievethereportbelievetheLord
#morethanaconqueror

For Darren Rogers sermon, go to: http://www.sermoncentral.com/sermons/04-the-valley-of-weeping-darren-rogers-sermon-on-prayer-general-132651.asp

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.

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I'm a Survivor!

I'm convinced that I was set up on last Wednesday.  I was relaxing on the couch when a Facebook alert from my phone revealed that my favorite Zumba instructor was making her class a celebration for myself and another tough cookie.  I was excited!  This was going to be a party y'all.

There's two things I LOVE to do, shop and dance.  After deciding to truly live for Christ I gave up going to the clubs.  When Zumba came along the void for dancing weekly was filled. And who could complain I was getting my groove on 4 days a week, and as a result I was looking great.

We had a Pink Party to attend!  What I found interesting is that I had nothing pink in my closet.  AWWWWWH! LOL!  As a Junior Mission member and vice president at St James Missionary Baptist, I wore pink and green in Jesus name for several years.  I guess the Lord has a since of humor.  After I passed the towel to my successor I promptly scrubbed my closet. Lol!

Fast forward to last week and I had nothing to wear.  I thank my beautiful sorority sisters for turning the traditionally pink breast cancer experience red for me.  Ha!  Anyways... After a search for the right pink shirt and an attempt at a DIY project I ended up rocking my #TeamToughCookie tank, which I LOVE!

The hubz, our youngest daughter,  and I arrive and I'm in the zone.  You see I'm a Z-beast.  I leave it all on the floor.  I had my mind made up, I'm going in here to give it my all.  The party was underway when we arrived.  As soon as I was spotted, the next song would be my favorite.  I made it through the song.  It wasn't my 100% but I gave it what I had.

A few more songs played and I strategically picked the ones that wouldn't take all my breath.  Then I heard the beat.  The other tough cookies' song was Survivor by Destiny's Child.  I thought to myself I'm going to let this song have it.  As the first verse played I was giving it my all then as the chorus started with each line we punched the air, up up, side side, down down.  The second verse played and then the chorus.  This time something was different.  As I began to through the punches, the action of punching and the lyrics settled in my spirit.

I'm a survivor
I'm not gon' give up
I'm not gon' stop
I'm gon' work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin'

I was overcome by emotion.  I ran to the bathroom which was on the other side of the studio.  The song was coming through walls.  The song reminded me that I'm fighting for my life.  This was real.  I realized that after each treatment I choose to survive!  When you don't feel well, your spirit gets low, and your mind can send you on a mental roller coaster ride.  Life can have you feeling some kind of way about things.  I'm just keeping it real!

I managed to get myself together and head back into the studio. I enjoyed watching the class and grooved a little because my body physically wasn't able to do what I wanted.  I truly enjoyed the Pink Party. I had a blast.

Later that evening my little god-sister, Danielle sent me a devotion that confirmed today's survivor experience was a set up.  The devotion scripture was 2 Corinthians 12:8-9.

8 I asked the Lord three times to take it away from me. 9 He answered me, “I am all you need. I give you My loving-favor. My power works best in weak people.” I am happy to be weak and have troubles so I can have Christ’s power in me. (NLV)

This scripture says that there is power in being weak.  When I feel tired, disappointed,  frustrated,  mad, and just plain sick of being sick God says, "I'm all you need."  When I don't have the fight in me God says, "I'm all you need."

What is God's purpose for this journey?  I don't truly know.  What I do know is that when He speaks it's best to listen.  Tonight He clearly stated that to me that during this journey, He's ALL I need and that I'm a Survivor!

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.

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Keeping It Real with Myself

I had been pondering on what to write for this post and one thing has stayed with me for the past 3 weeks as other topics have crossed my mind.  It wasn't until I pulled up Facebook on my phone and my sister had posted a video of brother-in-law singing a song of encouragement.  That was confirmation for me regarding what I would share with you all.

This morning I woke up READY to tackle treatment #3.  As I showered I reflected on how far the Lord has brought me and prayed that He would continue to give me the strength to recover quickly after my treatment.  After treatment #2 I had high expectations that I would quickly bounce back like I did after treatment #1.  It only took me until the following Tuesday to feel like myself.  By Tuesday after treatment #2, I still felt HORRIBLE!  On top of that I had purchased tickets for Corey and I to go to a concert.  I needed to find some energy to get out and find me something cute to wear.  If you know me, I only need a good reason to buy something new, which this would be a great reason.  Even though I didn't feel great, I pressed to hit up a store after work.  While trying on a few things, staring at myself in the mirror, the person staring back wasn't me.  I slowly fell into a state of depression.  It was evident from the clothes I selected.  Everything I picked up was dark there wasn't one piece that had color.  My family and friends know that I have never been afraid to wear anything that stood out.

I tried to collect my feeling and head to another store.  I made a quick call to my hubby, it was sure to lift my spirits because I knew he would say something that would bring about a change. As I sat in the car after arriving at my next destination, I could do nothing but cry to him about my feelings.  I didn't like feeling this way and I had hoped the next day would bring about my normal happy, positive self.

Wednesday came and I was still not feeling like myself.  My sister-friend who I shared my Tuesday experience with rearranged her schedule and met me for some retail therapy.  It was great to have her there with me.  We found something that I loved and just spending time with her lifted my spirits.  I wasn't completely out of the depression, but I could see that I a difference.

Thursday morning came and I wasn't feeling any better.  I was still feeling down.  Friends and family would call and I wouldn't pick up the phone.  After a few hours, I returned a few calls.  I admitted to my mama and a few friends that I was not in a good head space and despite praying, I didn't seem to feel like I was coming out it.

I found that in this moment that I had to keep it real with myself.  I was depressed.  Talking about it to others helped me to feel better.  Not answering the phone and isolating myself was not the answer.  What I learned is that when you have these feelings it okay to have them, it is not okay to stay in that place.  When you find yourself feeling this way I encourage you to pray and find someone to confide in.  I'm blessed to have a supportive and loving support system whom when I'm ready to talk, listens and offers up words of encouragement.

Be honest with yourself!  If you find yourself in a bad head space after doing those things, please seek professional help.  My Pastor encourages us to find a good therapist to talk to.  A good friend advised me right after Corey and I got married that if we started to have problems to not wait until  were ready to call it quits, to seek counselling right away.

The words that my brother-in-law sang this morning simply reminded me that my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ loves me.  His Word says, "You have been put to no test but such as is common to man; and God is true, who will not let any test come on you which you are not able to undergo; but he will make with the test a way out of it, so that you may be able to go through it." (I Corinthians 10:13 (BBE - Bible in Basic English Translation).

If you don't feel comfortable sharing with someone, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.

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Many Are the Plans

Many of you know that I have spent the last several years of my life ministering to teenage girls.  As a teenager I found myself involved in many organizations.  Without being aware until I was much older, I realized that I always ended up as a mentor to someone.  After starting D.I.V.A.S at my church, St James Missionary Baptist Church, I found myself looking back over my life and reflecting on how I ended up helping girls.  D.I.V.A.S. stands for Developing Into (His) Vision As Sisters, it is a mentoring program for girls.  Then a few years later I started Princess in Training, Inc. (P.I.T) because I wanted to reach girls beyond our church walls.

My friends have always been supportive and have worked hard to give my ministries life.  They've sacrificed their time and invested themselves wholeheartedly in the lives of every girl that participated in D.I.V.A.S or P.I.T.  I am so grateful to them.

What people don't see is the amount of energy and work that goes into keeping these ministries a float.  We are planning and organizing a lot of the year.  The day of events are very stressful as we rise early to ensure that when our girls and parents arrive the event goes smoothly.  A lot of times there are plenty of things that just don't come together smoothly, like speakers not showing up on time or cancelling the day of, which throws the schedule off and we have to adjust quickly.  We have always managed to figure it out and the events are successful.

I have always struggled with taking a break from D.I.V.A.S and PIT.  My body could be worn down and I'll find the energy to keep pressing.  We do it for the girls.  Well in this season, I struggle again with whether or not to take a break.  We have put the girls before ourselves in the past.  We've been planning for PIT camp this year and have most of our schedule and speakers secured, however in my spirit I feel that the Lord is leading me to put myself first this time.

One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 19:20, "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but the Lord's purpose shall prevail."  I am reminded that the Lord is in control.  Despite my desire and heart to press, my body is not able.  The Lord says in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

A beautiful woman once told me, "We never know what we're signing up for, when we say yes to God's will and His way."  Had I known that cancer would be in my future again, she's right, I'd have tried to sign up for another path.  However, even in this, I know that God has a plan for me.  This time I get to sit back and take it all in.  I won't be too busy letting life and God's work pass me by because I'm sitting still taking it in.  I'm already in awe and this is just the beginning of this journey.

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Count Your Blessings

My first meeting with my health coach was an enlightening and fun experience.  At the end of our session she hands me a journal.  She looks me in the eyes and says, "Every night I want you to write 3 blessings or list 3 things that make you smile."  This was the easiest assignment ever, right?  Well the first week, I did really well.  I had some many things to list, picking 3 was a challenge.  However as the days got busier and longer, taking the time to capture these things became less of a priority.

When I thought about what to share on this special day, I figured I'd count my blessings and name a few because again there are too many to name.

Blessing #1 - Today is my birthday!!!  On this special day not only do I become a more seasoned 30-something year old, it also marks the 21st year that I have been cured from Hodgkin's Disease.  Blessing #1 focuses on just being alive.  There's nothing more exciting than that.

Blessing #2 - My husband, Corey is my second blessing.  When I prayed for this man, I had no idea that God would deliver someone that would fit all the characteristics of the type of man I desired.  He's a loving, supportive, intelligent, selfless, thoughtful, Godly man.  We never thought that shortly over a year after taking our vows that our vows would be tested.  In sickness and in health, for better or for worst...  We've experienced almost all of those and it only makes our relationship stronger.  I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.  He's the bomb dot com!

Blessing #3 - Team Tough Cookie is my third blessing.  When I started this journey, I had no idea how much support I would have.  I knew that I was loved.  I had no idea how much I was loved.  I know we are in the early stages of this fight.  However, I've received so many beautiful cards, well wishes, and selfless acts of love that I couldn't possibly imagine.  For that I am truly blessed.  I have not had to worry about anything.  Thanks to all of you who have done anything to make my journey a pleasant one.

I know I'm only supposed to list 3 blessings.  However, I want to share an experience that makes today an  important day.  A few days after my first treatment, I was suffering from really bad indigestion, which is a side effect of the chemo.  I called my nurse to find out what I could do to treat it.  During our conversation, she says playfully, "Let me see, well you had your treatment last Thursday and let me check the calendar.  You should lose your hair by May 29th."  I said with a bit of disappointment in my voice, "Oh, that's my birthday."  She tried her best to cheer me up by saying she was looking at the wrong calendar.  I thought nothing could change the way I felt or cheer me up.  After hanging up, I cried.

My honey was there to remind me that my journey will be different and that I serve a God that can do anything but fail.  As he ministered to that broken place, I remembered one of my hubby's favorite scriptures, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)  I knew she meant well.  But, I also know the God we serve will give us the desires of our heart.  So, I took my hubby's advice and took my petition to the Lord in prayer.

So, my fourth blessing is...

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 30:31)

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Take a Licking and Keep on Ticking

My first day of chemo was amazing.   #TeamToughCookie brought me to tears as the support poured in from everywhere.   This is the support every person should experience when faced with adversity.  Thanks to all the love showed on my first day, which was uneventful.  Friday also turned out to be a pretty good day for me.  I was surrounded by family and felt well taken care of as inquiries came in regarding how I responded to the treatment.

Saturday was a doozy.  The medicine seeped from my pores.  You can't explain what it smells like, however it's not a good smell.  I laid around all day because I wanted the day to rush by, hoping the scent would be gone the next day.  To keep my mind of the smell was the three year old terror, my heart, my niece.  The pitter patter of her feet on the hard woods inspired me to get up and show a brave face for her and my family.  My mama, being my mama of course could tell that I wasn't myself so they decided to head back home so I could rest.  I was a little sad, but understood why she made the decision to leave.

That evening my hubby and our youngest daughter decided to lift my spirits by taking me on a drive by the lake.  It was a beautiful day.  I would close my eyes and I could still feel the sun kissing my eyelids.  How amazing it is to feel assured that even during a time of what most people would consider dark, there is God's light.

It is important to face life with hope.  One of the church mother's sent me a beautiful email in which she reminded me Philippians 1:6.  The scripture says, "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."  The scripture is filled with confidence, hope, and expectation.

I understand that this journey with breast cancer will come with its challenges, ups and downs.  However, if I can share with anybody out there that is going through something, look towards the hills from which cometh your help.  Take it to Christ, this is where you will find the strength and the peace.  He is a God that cannot fail.  As a child a God you may be down, but not out!

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Ready for War

Well Team Tough Cookie, it's time to get my game face on.  Thursday is the day my treatments will officially start.  My doctor prescribed 6 cycles of TC, which I will receive once every three weeks.  TC stands for Taxotere Cytoxan.  The medicine will be administered through my port.  In addition to the chemo, I will take a steroid pill that will prevent fluid retention and allergic reactions.  My oncologist says an added benefit is that the steroid should give me some energy.

Today I am in perfect peace.  I have received so much support from Team Tough Cookie.  Thanks to everyone who has blessed me and my family with your kind acts.  Keep the prayers going up.  This is when we'll need them most.

I especially want to thank my company, SCCI for being AWESOME!!!  They have blessed me with a refrigerator for my bedroom.  My colleagues have been generous and kind, always ready to do whatever I need to make this trying time smooth at work.  I am blessed beyond measure to work for a company who truly cares.

Also, this is a special note of love to my DIVAS and Princesses.  Let me tell you all, I knew my girls loved me, but they LOVE their Miss Markell, some even call me Mama Kell.  They have been praying y'all.  For the past few weeks, their FB posts, text messages, hugs, and phone calls have had my love tank overflowing. All my parents, please continue to remind them that I am going to be ok.  Hug them really tight for me whenever you see them get sad.  And don't hesitate to call me so I can reassure them that all is well.  I know this is tough for them.  Encourage them to think about the fun they've had during DIVAS sleepovers/outings/road trips and PIT Camp.   One weekend we'll bedazzle some tough cookie items!

I'll post regularly this week to keep you all in the loop.  Have a great week Team Tough Cookie.

Remember to stay tough, your situation is temporary!

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Hairapy

Since the day that I was diagnosed with breast cancer I have done my best to prepare myself for this journey.   I have no control over the side effects of the chemo, but I can prepare myself mentally,  physically,  and emotionally to the best of my ability. Team Tough Cookie is a support system that consists of care takers,  prayer warriors, my health and fitness coachs, breast cancer mentor, and my hair stylist.

You see my hair plays a major role for me. In high school, the thought of losing my hair was devastating.   My oncologist handed my mom a prescription for a wig and I cried uncontrollably.  Luckily for me, during my Hodgkin's treatments I lost only the hairline in the back of my head.  Even though it was barely noticable, I was still self conscious. I rocked a weave to cover it up at first. Spring 1995 Halle Berry and Toni Braxton changed the hair game.  Girls were ditching their weaves for cute short cuts.  So I decided for prom to embrace it and I cute my hair into the same cut Toni Braxton had.  At that point in life I learned that hair grows back. I was freed from the long hair chains that held me captive in high school. So if you know me well, you know that I am Miss Unpredictable,  one day I have hair and the next it's gone.

Friday they installed my port and this week I start chemo.  It was the last call I had to make before treatments start.  I put it off on purpose. I called my hair stylist.  We have a special bond. We've been friends since birth.  Her grandmother lived across the street from us and did all of family's hair.  Her press and pull tamed this thick hair from an early age.  It is now in full submission to my super stylist.

We discussed our plan. We discussed what to do to save it, if possible and the emergency plan for a complete shave.  There is no one else that I will allow into my space during this vulnerable time, but her.

After seeing my mentor's hair transition collage I've decided I'll share with the world my hair journey as well.  Stay tuned!

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I Am Blessed

Yesterday morning the Jill's Scott song, "Blessed" played on repeat in my head.  I had no idea that it would be the theme of the day.  Everywhere I went the word, blessed came up in conversation or appeared in post on social media sites.

I celebrated my 16th anniversary of the day I and 17 other women were inducted into our sorority.  My line sisters posted pictures and words of gratitude for the sisterhood bond that has withstood the test of time.  We were blessed to have developed relationships where we supported each other in good times and bad.  There have been weddings, divorces, births, and deaths.  Whatever the occasion we would rally together to support the other.  It was one of the best decisions I've made in life.

Midday I would receive a call from one of my sorority sisters that left me feeling empowered.  We talked about how life had dealt us blows and through God's grace we would persevere.  During the conversation we both talked about how blessed we were to be able to share our testimonies with others.  Our hope is take lemons and make lemonade.

My last test before I start my chemo treatments was scheduled for 1230.  I had a really bad reaction to the contrast two weeks ago and finding a vein was darn near impossible.  My prayers were that I wouldn't have the same experience.  Blessed to have friends who love  and support me during this journey has made this easier for me. My sister - friend who has a winning personality made my trip to the hospital a fun one.  She complimented folks and talked with everybody we encountered.  She has never met a stranger.

My name was called and my heart began to race.  I quickly decided I would not worry about what I was about to endure. After several painful sticks the IV was working and the test was over and done with in minutes.

The perfect ending was a trip to my church for bible study where the lesson topic was "You're Blessed".  I met with my Pastor to share my news.  I could see the peace in his eyes as I assured him that I was taking this experience in stride.  He read for me 2 Corinthians 1:2-4, which simply says that God comforts us during our tribulations so that we may be able to comfort others.  Blessed be God, the God of all comfort.

Oh how what a blessing!

The Circle of Life

Today I got a call from my oncologist's nurse to discuss all the things that need to happen before we begin my chemo treatments.  They have finally scheduled my scan, no thanks to the insurance.  I am still baffled at how I've being paying for insurance for years and they have the right to deny tests that will help save my life.  I think that's truly messed up.   While discussing the next steps, she asks if I remembered any of the medicines I took during my Hodgkin's treatments and their doses.  There is one medicine, which we know I took that if given in the right dose, lasts a lifetime.

She and I decided that she would call the hospital where I was treated and I would call my mama to see if she had any information.  Mama hadn't kept any of the records.  I was left thinking where else could I turn.  I decided the one person who would have the answer would be my old oncologist.  It has been 21 years since I've had any contact with him.  I had my last radiation treatment on my 16th birthday.  A year later I turned my tassel and I was off to college.

We all know that teenagers and young adults think their invincible.  I didn't keep up with any of my followup appointments because I was cured.  What was the point!  Well fast forward 21 years and maintaining that relationship would have been the key to helping my new oncologist develop a treatment plan for me.

The internet is a girl's best friend.  I Googled, clicked, and dialed a few numbers only to get the disconnection message.  Just when I was about to give up, my coworker told me to try the American Medical Association.  This was my last option.  I brought up the website, entered his name, and there he was.  I dialed quickly.  Someone anwers.  I asked, "Dr. Gustafson?"  The voice responds, "Yes?"  I asked, "Dr. G?"  He responds, "Yes."  "Did you work at Park Plaza and have a nurse named, Geannie?"  He says yes.  I had found him.

I went on to explain who I was and how I found him.  He was excited to hear that I had been doing well.  I couldn't contain myself.  The man that had a hand is saving my life was on the other end of the phone and here I was facing treatment, yet again.  I cried!  These were tears of gratitude. I thanked him for saving my life.  When we started treatments the cancer had taken over my neck and surrounded my heart.  Thank the Lord for using this man to save my life.  I asked about his family and I rushed off the phone.  It was nice because before we hung up he said, "Well if you want to talk again, just give me a call."

It won't be another 20 years, I'll definitely be calling back.  #anoverjoyedcookie

There Comes a Time

During my quiet time tonight just before I went to bed I decided to read my bible for some encouragement.   As I turned to my favorite scripture there was a devotion that include the scripture as the required reading.  I read the Scriptures then turned my attention back to the devotion.

The first sentence struck a cord.   It read, "There are times in the lives of all God's children when we are called on to suffer."  The devotion then called my attention to Romans 5:3-4, "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance,  character; and character, hope."

The reading had confirmed for me what I knew a few weeks back when I first discovered this lump.  I knew that this journey was not about me or for me.  It was an experience that would help others who are struggling or know someone struggling with life.

This morning a friend texted me a simple hello.  As we began to exchange texts her responses took a turn. She began to share her fears of not being here to see her children grow up.  I inquired why she was feeling that way. As she began to try to explain, I asked her if it was okay to call her. With 15 minutes to spare before a meeting I rushed outside and called.  She explained her situation. I began to encourage her. I told her that she had to find her inner fighter and stand up to feelings of defeat, doubt,  and fear.  We must approach our situations with strength and determination. Giving up and giving in is not an option.

In the midst of the conversation I had managed to encourage myself. I know people know I'm an optimist.  The truth is that I get sad. I cry. I need to be picked up and dusted off. I get weak. I don't like when people tell me not to feel.  People think when you're a believer your not allowed to feel down or doubt.  Truth is as a believer I'm still human.

During this time when I'm called to suffer, I will continue to trust in the Lord and encourage others to do the same.  Reality is sometimes this cookie is not so tough.

It Takes a Village

Today as a way of celebrating my dear friend's birthday and her fight with breast cancer, I decided to reveal that I too was beginning my battle with breast cancer.  I was overcome with emotion as the well wishes, prayers, and offers to help kept rolling in. 

For the first time in 8 years the tables would turn for my mentee and me.  She's 18 now, preparing to graduate and ready for college.  We've always been supportive of each other.  Our families have become families.  I don't miss anything that is important to her.  I spent last weekend searching for her prom shoes.  It has always been my job to buy her shoes for her important milestones.  I bought her shoes for her sweet sixteen, her first time attending prom as someone's date, and now her prom.  The thought of missing her graduation because I might not be able to go saddened me.  I had to face the music, my life will be changing.  I was once the Energizer bunny, now the bunny must rest.  I can't keep going and going and going. 

What took me over the edge was a call from one of my princesses.  She says in her sweet, angelic voice, "Hi.  My mom told me about you.   I wanted you to know that I called to pray with you."  I was in awe.  Here is another one of my sweet babies who has called to pour into me.  I sat up and told her I was ready for her to pray.  Dear Lord, I couldn't contain myself.  It was the best prayer I've ever heard.  I tried my best not to let her know I was crying.  Thanks to stinking cell phones, she kept saying hello because she thought the call dropped.  I had to answer.  She consoled me and told me not to cry. 

God allowed me to start two ministries where my friends and I got to be a part of teenage girls lives.  The love that they are showing me during this time is amazing!!!  I am a wreck right now!!!

It is an amazing feeling to know that I am truly loved and that my family and friends genuinely care.  The purpose of me sharing my diagnosis was to share a message of hope.  Like my cousin said, it's okay to be a tough cookie, but even a tough cookie needs a team.  My team showed up today! 

Where two or more are gathered, the Lord is in the midst.  This tough cookie feels His presence.  I love my teams.  #teamtoughcookie #prayerworks  #girlfriendunite

A Tough Cookie

Wow!  A friend of mine has been trying to get me to blog for some years now.  Well it only took 5 years and a major life change to catch the blogging bug.  On April 15th, I received news that rocked my world for an entire day.  You see I've spent most of my life as an optimistic person.  As a child I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease (cancer of the lymph nodes).  The cancer surrounded my heart and invaded my neck, which resulted in my neck slowing disappearing.  I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame.  As we all know kids are cruel.  Their secret teasing became public and I was hurt.  But, I didn't let them or cancer stop me.  I persevered.  I kicked cancer's butt.  It's been almost 21 years since I walked out of my last treatment on my 16th birthday. 

April 15, 2014 started off as a normal day.  I got my coffee, checked my email, and greeted my coworkers as they walked pass my office door.  I had gone to the doctor two weeks prior and had several tests, which included a mammogram, ultrasound, and eventually a breast biopsy.  After talking with a friend about her challenges with cystic fibrosis, I was convinced that my doctor would call me with the same diagnosis. 

Midday I received a call from my oncologist, who I had only seen once 2 years ago, for what my general physician called surveillance.  She wanted him to keep an eye on me since I was a cancer survivor that had not kept up with any follow ups since college.  This call changed my entire day.  The call was merely to schedule an appointment, but I couldn't understand why it was important for me to see the oncologist. I had not received the results from my tests.  This call sent me in a tailspin.  I called the imaging center where I had my biopsy. The lady who answered the phone was polite and willing to give me my results over the phone until she realized she couldn't.  At this point I had a pretty good idea what the results were.  I just needed somebody to tell me what it was. 

I drove like a bat out of hell to the imaging office.  The nurse greeted me and explained why she couldn't tell me the results.  However the results had been sent to my doctor on Monday morning.  Why would my doctor not call?  This is major news and she dropped the ball.  No one wants to tell me the truth.  Maybe they thought I couldn't handle the truth.  The truth was I couldn't handle the suspense. 

After a couple of phone calls my doctor called me into her office.  My friend and I waited.  At this point I had made peace in my mind and spirit that I was strong enough to handle hearing the news and moving forward.  After several hours, a few breakdowns, and me holding my doctor's hands, I found out that I have breast cancer.

The tough cookie that was born in August 1992 and tackled cancer was reborn to come face to face with cancer again.  I will not be defeated.  Let's get it!  #byHisstripesIamhealed