Silence is Golden

Some time ago I was asked to give an account of my journey with breast cancer during Breast Cancer Awareness month at my alma mater, Baylor University.  I happily accepted because I'm not one to turn down an opportunity to make a difference in someone's life.  As the date got closer and closer I began to think about how I would tell my story.  During this time we found out that my original tumors had grown and now several lymph nodes are involved.  I grew concerned.  My husband on the other hand is a take charge kind of guy. He had a plan.  Of course, he faced a lot of resistance.  LOL!  I have been single most of my life.  I knew what plan I wanted to follow.  Well, my plan wasn't working.  He finally convinced me to get on plane to go meet a doctor who would share with me how our bodies heal them selves naturally with the right food and nutrients.  It was during this trip when I figured out how I would tell my story.

As we sat on the plane I drafted my speech in a note book.  I couldn't wait to share with others what I had cleverly come up with.  While tweaking the speech the week before I was to speak, I was asked to participate in an amazing photo shoot with one of Austin's elite photographers.  Once Corey and I arrived to his studio, the photographer, Dewayne showed me his vision.  I was too pumped.  I was thinking to myself, "Let's do this!"  The makeup artist, Mei Ling arrived and she worked her magic.  I had been transformed.  The Tough Cookie was now a Fierce Fighter.  Dewayne gave me instructions through out the night and I hoped that I could give him the expressions that he was trying to convey.  He shared some of the images with us and I was in awe.  I couldn't wait to see the finished product.  The next day, he posted his favorite image.

The picture was powerful.  It showed how I felt on the inside.  I was OVER this cancer thang.  I just want it out.  I have been giving it all I got and this thing is getting the best of me.  I felt empowered.  Days later the strength exhibited in this picture faded.  I had received news  regarding the passing of loved ones who are special to those I love.  These two beautiful souls that have been called home belong to the grandmother of my mentee and one of my dearest friend's mom.  These two women have fought the good fight against breast cancer for a long time.  Now they have gone on, not having to fight any more.

The emotion I was feeling, I've experienced before.  My mind was consumed with thoughts of "what if's".  What if we can't get this under control?  What if the date set for surgery is to far away?  What if God has other plans?  What if...  I couldn't sleep.  The enlarged tumor reminds me at night that it's there when I turn to lay on my left side.  The emotional roller coaster that I have been on is at an all time low.  I'm not sure what to say or think.  I couldn't fake it any more.

As I showered this morning, I prayed, "Lord, I refuse to give up.  I need you to touch this body and turn things around."  Then I began to repeat over and over until I was convinced, "By your stripes, I am healed."  When I got out of the shower, I felt better.

God knows what we need and when we need it.  As the day went on I received confirmation that God heard my cry.  He had provided the answers to the "What if's".  I received two devotions that complemented each other.  Below are the devotions:

Devotion 1
Everyone faces the storms of life. Sometimes we have the faith to be delivered from the storms instantly; sometimes we have the faith to walk through the storms. But no matter which route you take, you can be sure that God is right there with you. He will equip you and sustain you. He will give you the grace, the supernatural empowerment, to make it through.

Today, maybe you are facing a storm and can’t quite see a way out. Maybe you’re not sure what the answer is. All you have to do is take it one step at a time by saying, “God, I know You have a good plan for my future.” “God, I am doing better today than I was yesterday.” “God, I know You are leading and guiding me.” With every step you take, know that God is doing a work in your life. Know that He is with you, and He will comfort you. Keep moving forward. Keep taking those steps of faith and keep walking through the storm into the place of victory He has prepared for you!  

Devotion 2
"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher

Scripture: "Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently on the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

The moral? Sometimes when we are our strongest in our silence and/or our willingness to keep going.
Today's Challenge: Keep laying down and getting up... that's courageous.

My husband sent me these words of encouragement, "Focus on your healing.  It's coming!!!!  You have to believe and have faith!!!  Those tumors are not bigger than YOUR GOD!!!!"

I do serve a bigger God and though I may not know what the future holds for my life, I am sure that I have a future.  I have decided to lean not to my own understanding and trust in the Lord.  For the rest of this week, I choose to be silent and keep going!