This Little Light of Mine

It's been almost a month since we learned that Plan B drugs weren't working.  I'll admit that Monday, August 25th when I went in for the ultrasound I knew that something wasn't right.  Unlike the previous ultrasound where I paid close attention to the screen and drew my on conclusions, I decided to lie there.  Unfortunately, I could discern from the conversation between the two technicians that they saw some differences.  I was not looking forward to hearing the results.

In a few days the results were in and they were not good.  Like I had suspected the tumors had grown and there was a new tumor.  Family and friends reached out to check on me and to find out the plan to move forward.  For the first time, I shutdown.  I needed time to process all that was going on.  It becomes discouraging when nothing seems to be working.  I've been receiving chemo since May.  Of course, I'd like to see some progress.  However, things seem to be getting worst.  What's sad is that I'm not alone.  I follow several other people's journeys who seem to be facing the same odds.  Why do these things happen?  Why us?

One morning I woke up to a text of pictures from my cousin who was celebrating the life of his dad, my uncle, who would have been 62 this month.  I couldn't respond due to the pictures bringing back happy and sad memories.  My uncle and I were diagnosed with cancer at the same time in 1992.  He went through all the procedures that I would have to face before me.  Despite what he was going through, he did it with a smile.  The day before my procedures he would call and talk to me about what to expect.  Most doctors were surprised by the strength I exhibited at 15 years old.   My sweet uncle had taken the sting out of those procedures so I could face them with boldness.  Unfortunately, my uncle's cancer would go into a brief remission then later claim his life. What my family didn't know is that for years I felt guilty and waited for my turn to die.  I couldn't understand why God would take him and leave me.  So, I lived in fear of dying until I graduated from college.

In my 20s I learned why God chose for me to live.  I had been assigned to minister to his daughters.  I found my purpose and life was great.  Now as I'm in the midst of this journey for the second time. This time I'm not afraid of dying.  I feel driven to live.  But...

I have days where I question the reason for the journey and how do I honor God when I'm ready to ball up in a corner and sit there until something happens.  I sometimes wonder how can I let my light shine, like my uncle, when I feel like I'm in a dark place?  I don't feel like smiling or talking.  I want to shut the world out and face this alone.  Better yet, I don't want to do this at all.

In 1 Thessalonians 1:4, it states, "For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you."  So, I know I've been chosen.  What exactly does that mean and what does it require?  God makes it plain, "in spite of severe suffering, you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit.  And so you became a model to all the believers." (1 Thessalonians 1: 6-7)

The day that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, was the day I  chose to accept God's will for my life.  I am to live this life to the fullest because His words says that, "I have come so that you may have life and have it in abundance. (John 10:10)  I have the choice to face this thing from an optimistic or pessimistic view.  I told you all before that I am driven to live.  Living means looking at adversities from an optimistic view.  When life deals you lemons make lemonade.  To choose to live means never giving up and throwing in the towel.  It means face your bad days like your good ones, it's simple, take one day at a time.  Sometimes circumstance don't change overnight, know that if you get an opportunity to see another day, then there's another day for life to get better.

My uncle was and still is my guardian angel.  Everything I've faced during this journey has left people amazed at how I've handled them.  My uncle is still taking the sting out of things.  I'm sure he's proud.

This little light of mine...  Well, I let it shine as often as possible.  Understand that the Lord is who illuminates my light.  He's my power source.  And even when I don't think it's shining it sometimes finds a way to shine.

#atoughcookiechronicles
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If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.

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