Keeping It Real with Myself

I had been pondering on what to write for this post and one thing has stayed with me for the past 3 weeks as other topics have crossed my mind.  It wasn't until I pulled up Facebook on my phone and my sister had posted a video of brother-in-law singing a song of encouragement.  That was confirmation for me regarding what I would share with you all.

This morning I woke up READY to tackle treatment #3.  As I showered I reflected on how far the Lord has brought me and prayed that He would continue to give me the strength to recover quickly after my treatment.  After treatment #2 I had high expectations that I would quickly bounce back like I did after treatment #1.  It only took me until the following Tuesday to feel like myself.  By Tuesday after treatment #2, I still felt HORRIBLE!  On top of that I had purchased tickets for Corey and I to go to a concert.  I needed to find some energy to get out and find me something cute to wear.  If you know me, I only need a good reason to buy something new, which this would be a great reason.  Even though I didn't feel great, I pressed to hit up a store after work.  While trying on a few things, staring at myself in the mirror, the person staring back wasn't me.  I slowly fell into a state of depression.  It was evident from the clothes I selected.  Everything I picked up was dark there wasn't one piece that had color.  My family and friends know that I have never been afraid to wear anything that stood out.

I tried to collect my feeling and head to another store.  I made a quick call to my hubby, it was sure to lift my spirits because I knew he would say something that would bring about a change. As I sat in the car after arriving at my next destination, I could do nothing but cry to him about my feelings.  I didn't like feeling this way and I had hoped the next day would bring about my normal happy, positive self.

Wednesday came and I was still not feeling like myself.  My sister-friend who I shared my Tuesday experience with rearranged her schedule and met me for some retail therapy.  It was great to have her there with me.  We found something that I loved and just spending time with her lifted my spirits.  I wasn't completely out of the depression, but I could see that I a difference.

Thursday morning came and I wasn't feeling any better.  I was still feeling down.  Friends and family would call and I wouldn't pick up the phone.  After a few hours, I returned a few calls.  I admitted to my mama and a few friends that I was not in a good head space and despite praying, I didn't seem to feel like I was coming out it.

I found that in this moment that I had to keep it real with myself.  I was depressed.  Talking about it to others helped me to feel better.  Not answering the phone and isolating myself was not the answer.  What I learned is that when you have these feelings it okay to have them, it is not okay to stay in that place.  When you find yourself feeling this way I encourage you to pray and find someone to confide in.  I'm blessed to have a supportive and loving support system whom when I'm ready to talk, listens and offers up words of encouragement.

Be honest with yourself!  If you find yourself in a bad head space after doing those things, please seek professional help.  My Pastor encourages us to find a good therapist to talk to.  A good friend advised me right after Corey and I got married that if we started to have problems to not wait until  were ready to call it quits, to seek counselling right away.

The words that my brother-in-law sang this morning simply reminded me that my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ loves me.  His Word says, "You have been put to no test but such as is common to man; and God is true, who will not let any test come on you which you are not able to undergo; but he will make with the test a way out of it, so that you may be able to go through it." (I Corinthians 10:13 (BBE - Bible in Basic English Translation).

If you don't feel comfortable sharing with someone, feel free to shoot me an email at atoughcookiechronicles@gmail.com.

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Many Are the Plans

Many of you know that I have spent the last several years of my life ministering to teenage girls.  As a teenager I found myself involved in many organizations.  Without being aware until I was much older, I realized that I always ended up as a mentor to someone.  After starting D.I.V.A.S at my church, St James Missionary Baptist Church, I found myself looking back over my life and reflecting on how I ended up helping girls.  D.I.V.A.S. stands for Developing Into (His) Vision As Sisters, it is a mentoring program for girls.  Then a few years later I started Princess in Training, Inc. (P.I.T) because I wanted to reach girls beyond our church walls.

My friends have always been supportive and have worked hard to give my ministries life.  They've sacrificed their time and invested themselves wholeheartedly in the lives of every girl that participated in D.I.V.A.S or P.I.T.  I am so grateful to them.

What people don't see is the amount of energy and work that goes into keeping these ministries a float.  We are planning and organizing a lot of the year.  The day of events are very stressful as we rise early to ensure that when our girls and parents arrive the event goes smoothly.  A lot of times there are plenty of things that just don't come together smoothly, like speakers not showing up on time or cancelling the day of, which throws the schedule off and we have to adjust quickly.  We have always managed to figure it out and the events are successful.

I have always struggled with taking a break from D.I.V.A.S and PIT.  My body could be worn down and I'll find the energy to keep pressing.  We do it for the girls.  Well in this season, I struggle again with whether or not to take a break.  We have put the girls before ourselves in the past.  We've been planning for PIT camp this year and have most of our schedule and speakers secured, however in my spirit I feel that the Lord is leading me to put myself first this time.

One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 19:20, "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but the Lord's purpose shall prevail."  I am reminded that the Lord is in control.  Despite my desire and heart to press, my body is not able.  The Lord says in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

A beautiful woman once told me, "We never know what we're signing up for, when we say yes to God's will and His way."  Had I known that cancer would be in my future again, she's right, I'd have tried to sign up for another path.  However, even in this, I know that God has a plan for me.  This time I get to sit back and take it all in.  I won't be too busy letting life and God's work pass me by because I'm sitting still taking it in.  I'm already in awe and this is just the beginning of this journey.

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Count Your Blessings

My first meeting with my health coach was an enlightening and fun experience.  At the end of our session she hands me a journal.  She looks me in the eyes and says, "Every night I want you to write 3 blessings or list 3 things that make you smile."  This was the easiest assignment ever, right?  Well the first week, I did really well.  I had some many things to list, picking 3 was a challenge.  However as the days got busier and longer, taking the time to capture these things became less of a priority.

When I thought about what to share on this special day, I figured I'd count my blessings and name a few because again there are too many to name.

Blessing #1 - Today is my birthday!!!  On this special day not only do I become a more seasoned 30-something year old, it also marks the 21st year that I have been cured from Hodgkin's Disease.  Blessing #1 focuses on just being alive.  There's nothing more exciting than that.

Blessing #2 - My husband, Corey is my second blessing.  When I prayed for this man, I had no idea that God would deliver someone that would fit all the characteristics of the type of man I desired.  He's a loving, supportive, intelligent, selfless, thoughtful, Godly man.  We never thought that shortly over a year after taking our vows that our vows would be tested.  In sickness and in health, for better or for worst...  We've experienced almost all of those and it only makes our relationship stronger.  I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.  He's the bomb dot com!

Blessing #3 - Team Tough Cookie is my third blessing.  When I started this journey, I had no idea how much support I would have.  I knew that I was loved.  I had no idea how much I was loved.  I know we are in the early stages of this fight.  However, I've received so many beautiful cards, well wishes, and selfless acts of love that I couldn't possibly imagine.  For that I am truly blessed.  I have not had to worry about anything.  Thanks to all of you who have done anything to make my journey a pleasant one.

I know I'm only supposed to list 3 blessings.  However, I want to share an experience that makes today an  important day.  A few days after my first treatment, I was suffering from really bad indigestion, which is a side effect of the chemo.  I called my nurse to find out what I could do to treat it.  During our conversation, she says playfully, "Let me see, well you had your treatment last Thursday and let me check the calendar.  You should lose your hair by May 29th."  I said with a bit of disappointment in my voice, "Oh, that's my birthday."  She tried her best to cheer me up by saying she was looking at the wrong calendar.  I thought nothing could change the way I felt or cheer me up.  After hanging up, I cried.

My honey was there to remind me that my journey will be different and that I serve a God that can do anything but fail.  As he ministered to that broken place, I remembered one of my hubby's favorite scriptures, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)  I knew she meant well.  But, I also know the God we serve will give us the desires of our heart.  So, I took my hubby's advice and took my petition to the Lord in prayer.

So, my fourth blessing is...

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 30:31)

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Take a Licking and Keep on Ticking

My first day of chemo was amazing.   #TeamToughCookie brought me to tears as the support poured in from everywhere.   This is the support every person should experience when faced with adversity.  Thanks to all the love showed on my first day, which was uneventful.  Friday also turned out to be a pretty good day for me.  I was surrounded by family and felt well taken care of as inquiries came in regarding how I responded to the treatment.

Saturday was a doozy.  The medicine seeped from my pores.  You can't explain what it smells like, however it's not a good smell.  I laid around all day because I wanted the day to rush by, hoping the scent would be gone the next day.  To keep my mind of the smell was the three year old terror, my heart, my niece.  The pitter patter of her feet on the hard woods inspired me to get up and show a brave face for her and my family.  My mama, being my mama of course could tell that I wasn't myself so they decided to head back home so I could rest.  I was a little sad, but understood why she made the decision to leave.

That evening my hubby and our youngest daughter decided to lift my spirits by taking me on a drive by the lake.  It was a beautiful day.  I would close my eyes and I could still feel the sun kissing my eyelids.  How amazing it is to feel assured that even during a time of what most people would consider dark, there is God's light.

It is important to face life with hope.  One of the church mother's sent me a beautiful email in which she reminded me Philippians 1:6.  The scripture says, "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."  The scripture is filled with confidence, hope, and expectation.

I understand that this journey with breast cancer will come with its challenges, ups and downs.  However, if I can share with anybody out there that is going through something, look towards the hills from which cometh your help.  Take it to Christ, this is where you will find the strength and the peace.  He is a God that cannot fail.  As a child a God you may be down, but not out!

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Ready for War

Well Team Tough Cookie, it's time to get my game face on.  Thursday is the day my treatments will officially start.  My doctor prescribed 6 cycles of TC, which I will receive once every three weeks.  TC stands for Taxotere Cytoxan.  The medicine will be administered through my port.  In addition to the chemo, I will take a steroid pill that will prevent fluid retention and allergic reactions.  My oncologist says an added benefit is that the steroid should give me some energy.

Today I am in perfect peace.  I have received so much support from Team Tough Cookie.  Thanks to everyone who has blessed me and my family with your kind acts.  Keep the prayers going up.  This is when we'll need them most.

I especially want to thank my company, SCCI for being AWESOME!!!  They have blessed me with a refrigerator for my bedroom.  My colleagues have been generous and kind, always ready to do whatever I need to make this trying time smooth at work.  I am blessed beyond measure to work for a company who truly cares.

Also, this is a special note of love to my DIVAS and Princesses.  Let me tell you all, I knew my girls loved me, but they LOVE their Miss Markell, some even call me Mama Kell.  They have been praying y'all.  For the past few weeks, their FB posts, text messages, hugs, and phone calls have had my love tank overflowing. All my parents, please continue to remind them that I am going to be ok.  Hug them really tight for me whenever you see them get sad.  And don't hesitate to call me so I can reassure them that all is well.  I know this is tough for them.  Encourage them to think about the fun they've had during DIVAS sleepovers/outings/road trips and PIT Camp.   One weekend we'll bedazzle some tough cookie items!

I'll post regularly this week to keep you all in the loop.  Have a great week Team Tough Cookie.

Remember to stay tough, your situation is temporary!

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Hairapy

Since the day that I was diagnosed with breast cancer I have done my best to prepare myself for this journey.   I have no control over the side effects of the chemo, but I can prepare myself mentally,  physically,  and emotionally to the best of my ability. Team Tough Cookie is a support system that consists of care takers,  prayer warriors, my health and fitness coachs, breast cancer mentor, and my hair stylist.

You see my hair plays a major role for me. In high school, the thought of losing my hair was devastating.   My oncologist handed my mom a prescription for a wig and I cried uncontrollably.  Luckily for me, during my Hodgkin's treatments I lost only the hairline in the back of my head.  Even though it was barely noticable, I was still self conscious. I rocked a weave to cover it up at first. Spring 1995 Halle Berry and Toni Braxton changed the hair game.  Girls were ditching their weaves for cute short cuts.  So I decided for prom to embrace it and I cute my hair into the same cut Toni Braxton had.  At that point in life I learned that hair grows back. I was freed from the long hair chains that held me captive in high school. So if you know me well, you know that I am Miss Unpredictable,  one day I have hair and the next it's gone.

Friday they installed my port and this week I start chemo.  It was the last call I had to make before treatments start.  I put it off on purpose. I called my hair stylist.  We have a special bond. We've been friends since birth.  Her grandmother lived across the street from us and did all of family's hair.  Her press and pull tamed this thick hair from an early age.  It is now in full submission to my super stylist.

We discussed our plan. We discussed what to do to save it, if possible and the emergency plan for a complete shave.  There is no one else that I will allow into my space during this vulnerable time, but her.

After seeing my mentor's hair transition collage I've decided I'll share with the world my hair journey as well.  Stay tuned!

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I Am Blessed

Yesterday morning the Jill's Scott song, "Blessed" played on repeat in my head.  I had no idea that it would be the theme of the day.  Everywhere I went the word, blessed came up in conversation or appeared in post on social media sites.

I celebrated my 16th anniversary of the day I and 17 other women were inducted into our sorority.  My line sisters posted pictures and words of gratitude for the sisterhood bond that has withstood the test of time.  We were blessed to have developed relationships where we supported each other in good times and bad.  There have been weddings, divorces, births, and deaths.  Whatever the occasion we would rally together to support the other.  It was one of the best decisions I've made in life.

Midday I would receive a call from one of my sorority sisters that left me feeling empowered.  We talked about how life had dealt us blows and through God's grace we would persevere.  During the conversation we both talked about how blessed we were to be able to share our testimonies with others.  Our hope is take lemons and make lemonade.

My last test before I start my chemo treatments was scheduled for 1230.  I had a really bad reaction to the contrast two weeks ago and finding a vein was darn near impossible.  My prayers were that I wouldn't have the same experience.  Blessed to have friends who love  and support me during this journey has made this easier for me. My sister - friend who has a winning personality made my trip to the hospital a fun one.  She complimented folks and talked with everybody we encountered.  She has never met a stranger.

My name was called and my heart began to race.  I quickly decided I would not worry about what I was about to endure. After several painful sticks the IV was working and the test was over and done with in minutes.

The perfect ending was a trip to my church for bible study where the lesson topic was "You're Blessed".  I met with my Pastor to share my news.  I could see the peace in his eyes as I assured him that I was taking this experience in stride.  He read for me 2 Corinthians 1:2-4, which simply says that God comforts us during our tribulations so that we may be able to comfort others.  Blessed be God, the God of all comfort.

Oh how what a blessing!